Ideas of love, what it is, how it presents itself, and how to express love appeared everywhere we may have looked this past weekend. And, in fact, we are continually bombarded with a variety of ideas about what love is throughout the year. Whether as portrayed in films and television shows, novels, social media, or in our own backyard as we observe or listen to those in our family and friend circle and the community we surround ourselves with on a daily basis, the culture we call home. But with all those examples, definitions, and dictates of what love must be, must do, how it should appear, act, or behave, it is to overcomplicate something that is really quite simple.

We have talked many times before here on TSLL that love begins with being loving. But then it bears asking the question: How can I be love?

In episode #360, we explored nine truths about real love, and today we’re going to simplify it even further because just as knowing how to engage with the world every day, no matter what is going on, when we remember just two things – engaging with loving-kindness and integrity – it becomes far more likely that we will engage in such a way. It is with the intentional repetition that it eventually becomes a default. And this default is one that will enhance the quality of our daily life and strengthen our true contentment. The same can be said for knowing the three characteristics of love. Let’s explore them.

Trust, Acceptance, Compassion

That’s it. By simply being someone who is trustworthy, someone who accepts others with an open heart and mind, and being someone who is compassionate, you are being loving.

We first begin by embodying each of these characteristics, and then, almost like magic, we begin to easily discern who we can fully trust, who fully accepts us without limitation, and who is truly compassionate. It is a beautiful response that helps us cultivate a life of healthy, respectful, and yes, truly loving relationships. And it all begins with us first being these three characteristics to ourself and to others. We do so without expectation, but rather because we choose to be a loving person, to put more love out into the world, and that, in turn, our choice in how to be in the world indirectly deepens the trust that others have that the world is a loving place.

We may never come into contact with many of the people we engage, or only infrequently, but in each instance, we contribute in this way. And that makes a constructive difference.

Let’s explore how each of these characteristics shows up in our actions as we embody them in our daily lives.

How to be trusting

Trust begins with knowing that we can trust ourselves. Self-trust is a skill, something we choose to learn. (Explore episode #414 to dive deeply into how to cultivate self-trust.) There is not an end point, but there is a starting point in that as we grow, as we evolve and dance with life, and this involves letting go of trying to control all that is outside of us, and being honest with ourselves about how our thoughts, actions and words influence our entire life journey – our opportunities, our relationships, our daily experience, our mood, our health, etc.

Until we trust ourselves to be kind to ourselves, to care for ourselves, to respect ourselves, to set boundaries, but also to celebrate in nourishing ways, we unconsciously lack the trust that anyone would actually be loving in such ways to us, even if we express otherwise. Until we trust ourselves, there will remain a seed of doubt that we have kept viable because we don’t trust that we are capable of such goodness, of being so loving and therefore, so loved.

Once we finally start to trust ourselves, our relationships of all stripes begin to improve. Not because the people change, some may, some may not, but in fact, we have changed in how we engage with them. We will likely begin meeting different people, making new connections, and, with our self-trust, choosing to trust others, knowing we also have the awareness to choose what is best for us as we move forward. We don’t blindly go forward; instead, we wisely navigate, able to discern loving people from those who are not. Why? Because we are loving.

“Cultivate these qualities – trust, acceptance, compassion – so that they are so stable they are expressed with everyone and everything around us.” —Andy Puddicombe

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How to be accepting

Let people be who they are. Refrain from judging, which means let go of having an opinion about anyone else’s life. Instead, live your life, and live it fully – be brave. Learn or be inspired by others, but set aside judgment. In all the wonderful, amazingly different ways people show up, let them. Just as we can only thrive when we are free, it is unnerving when we have never been fully free before; however, it is only when we are truly free, that we learn the most about our full capabilities, have the opportunity to strengthen our self-trust, and are able to see with clarity those who are brave enough to be truly loving.

Until we set down our parameters of how another should be, we can never fully be loving, and our love will never be unconditional with those we choose to be ‘loving’ with. We cannot control another, but we can exemplify love by being accepting while also honoring what we need – acting with integrity toward ourselves and others. When another, someone we claim to love, observes us behaving in such a way, they will be observing someone being loving without guarantee of how others will respond, and that is real love. By modeling love, being love, we offer inspiration to others to be loving themselves. Until we know what real love is, how can we be it in our daily lives?

When we let others be, we let go of control, which is so much of what our lizard mind wants. We want to know. In knowing, our lizard mind thinks that we will then be safer, more secure. But it is a false ‘knowing’ when we think we can control everything or other people. And in fact, it cuts us off from real love. Our focus benefits us when we turn it toward ourselves and tend to all that we can control, and that is only ourselves – how we think, how we engage with others, how we treat ourselves, how we nourish ourselves, how we give to the world with our words and actions. That is all, and that is significant. Then we let go to live, to be present, and to savor all that is. This brings us peace in the moment, and peace to those in our presence. This is to be accepting.

How to be compassionate and what it looks like as we observe others

So often, compassion is misunderstood, and especially so in the Western world. We explored in depth exactly what compassion is in this post, so I encourage you to read if you want to fully understand, with all sorts of examples shared, how compassion shows up, and how to embody it. “To live with compassion is to know kindness. To both give in such a way that is nourishing to someone else’s journey without any regard to our opinion about what their journey may be, and to receive kindness in a similar distribution, being compassionate is the wise and brave choice. It is the choice that brings us closer to peace, not only for ourself, but for others and thus the world.” To embody compassion is to know that there is both a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’ involved.

“There is a yes in compassion, and there is also a no, said with the same courage of heart. No to abuse, no to racism, no to violence, both personal and worldwide. The no is said not out of hate but out of an unwavering care.” —Jack Kornfield

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With all that has been shared about being trusting and trustworthy, accepting others and knowing who truly accepts us, and being compassionate, that is where we begin. Because, and here is the most important part of real love that we must understand: We must embody these characteristics if we wish to be truly loving to another, AND know real love from another. No, we cannot guarantee that the ones we love will be loving to us. In such cases, we must choose who we share our time and our lives with. But when we know what love is and we are embodying love, we are better able to discern who is truly loving toward us and to the world at large. From this clear-eyed, objective knowing, we make healthier decisions about whom to engage with more intimately and whom to open our heart to.

Keep it simple. Embody trust, acceptance, and compassion, and you will find your way to a deeply fulfilling, sincerely love-filled life.

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~Click here to explore Bundle #6 – How to Love Well, Find Real Love and Be Loving to Yourself and Others