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“The more you practice reflection and appreciation, the more you build a reservoir of evidence that you can draw from in difficult times. You start ot see patterns. You start to recognize that while life has its ups and downs, you have consistently found a way to navigate them. You start to trust yourself more deeply. And that trust—that bone-deep knowing that you can handle whatever comes—is the foundation of true inner peace.” —Daniel Chidiac, author of Stop Letting Everything Affect You
What if I told you that your inner compass knows the way to your most fulfilling way of living is as certain as the sun rising tomorrow? Your immediate reaction to that truth reveals the strength of your self-trust muscle.
Since we will each never be able to live without unknowns, what we have to bring along with us on our life journey as companions are tools, each of which we must choose to learn, that will help us constructively navigate whatever may cross our path.
For example, suppose we’re taking a road trip that leads over a mountain pass during winter. In that case, we will want to ensure the vehicle’s tires are suitable for the conditions we may encounter, that the car’s supplies are stocked for safety should we need them, and that the shoes we are wearing are sufficient should we need to step outside, among other things. You get the idea. We may never use all of them, but we will need to utilize some of them as preventative measures for success: a full tank of gas/a full electric charge, all-wheel drive, headlights, and windshield wipers.
We are the ones who choose the skills we carry with us on our journey. And if we choose to journey toward cultivating contentment so that we can enjoy the everydays and discover what ignites us, while also contributing to the world, self-trust is a must-have skill.
Today, we’re going to explore how to tap into this perhaps unawakened skill, understand how it communicates with us, and how to strengthen it. Let’s get started.
1. Let go of the illusion of control
“At its core, stress isn’t just about what happens to you—it’s about how much control you feel you have over it.”
A simple yet powerful shift in mindset, focusing on the things you do have control over and letting go of the burden of those things you cannot, changes the entire experience of stress. Studies repeatedly revealed that people who had a strong internal locus of control “tend to be happier, more resilient, and better at handling stress.” From trying to ‘win’, so any form of competition, to being rejected by anyone or anything that we thought would make our life better, because we believe what is outside of us will determine our peace of mind, we have given away the control that IS actually ours, and instead focused on what isn’t in our control. If our happiness depends on others accepting us, including us, and approving of us, we are trapped in the external cycle of control and will never find a balance of stability.
“The truth is, you were never meant to control everything. You were designed to adapt, to respond creatively, to flow with life rather than constantly fighting to direct it. And in that flexibility, you’ll find the genuine security that trying to control everything could never provide.”
2. Build a more complete picture of yourself
“Self-reflection doesn’t just reveal our inner resilience—it also illuminates the boundaries we’ve allowed to be crossed, the responsibilities we’ve unnecessarily assumed, and the emotional burdens we’ve been carrying for others.”
Take a moment to gaze back upon your entire life journey, all that you have learned, how you have grown, what you have navigated through that may have felt at the moment impossible to do. Make sure to recall all of the moments you cheered, celebrated, and smiled from ear to ear in exhilaration. Without comparing yourself to anyone else, remind yourself that you did this – you made the choices, made the hard decisions, stuck it out, persevered, and now here you stand. The journey, no doubt, had many twists and turns, opportunities to learn from, and unwanted moments, even painful ones, but here you still stand.
From being reminded of instances that were, in hindsight, small and not worth our energy to worry about, as well as instances that required great strength and tenacity, you made it through. File this knowledge at the forefront of your mind and recall it whenever the unknown makes you uneasy or fearful. While the new uncertainty won’t be exactly the same, what remains the same is you, the person who made it through and is standing here now, looking to grow even more, stretch, and choose to see what life can become.
3. Become able to discern the difference between kindness and self-abandonment
“When you constantly sacrifice your well-being for others’ comfort, you’re not being generous—you’re participating in your own depletion.”
Defined by trauma researcher Charles Figley in 2002 as compassion fatigue, a state caused by constantly taking on others’ emotional burdens. Compassion fatigue mirrors clinical burnout and is caused by our inability to set boundaries through self-awareness of what we need to be energized and well in our being. Correcting this act of self-abandonment is entirely within our power to rectify. Each time we stop engaging with people who deplete our energy, we strengthen our self-trust, and it is in our power to do this. It is essential to remember that anyone who causes compassion fatigue in our lives is more likely to continue behaving the same way until we step away and refuse to accept the treatment.
4. Overcome the fear of setting boundaries
“People will only respect the boundaries that you enforce.”
Part of the reason setting boundaries is initially so difficult is that this muscle is untoned. The stronger our ability to set boundaries becomes, the stronger our self-trust grows, allowing us to rest easy knowing that whenever we realize we need to set a boundary, we will be able to do so, regardless of how someone responds or reacts to us doing so. Which leads me to the second reason setting boundaries is initially so difficult: fear. “Fear of upsetting people, fear of being seen as difficult, fear of being abandoned.”
Depending on our childhood experiences and our attachment style, if our boundaries were not respected or even punished, our attachment style is likely not secure. As a result, we may doubt and become more trepidatious about setting boundaries as adults. (Be sure to check out episode #318, where we talk about how to become a secure adult in relationships and life in general) Here is the good news about setting boundaries and beginning to strengthen your self-trust and the quality of your entire life: When you set a boundary, it quite quickly reveals who is a healthy connection to keep in your life. “The people who truly respect and care about you won’t be angry when you set boundaries. They will adjust. The ones who get upset? They’re the ones who benefited from you having none.”
As you set boundaries in various areas of your life, remember this additional detail: you don’t have to explain why you are setting them. Take a deep breath, release it, and let your shoulders drop as you read that important piece of follow-up to boundary setting one more time – you don’t have to explain why you need to set a boundary. Set it, state it with loving-kindness and from a place of integrity (respecting your needs), and move forward. Depending on the relationship, you can explain why what is happening isn’t working for you and what you need. However, that depends on the type of relationship you have and whether you want to strengthen it (or see if it can be strengthened) or put it in its place.
5. Embrace the empty space
From living on our own following a divorce or breakup, to stepping away from unhealthy friendships, following any change you have made to remove the drama, the emotional burdens that were not yours to carry or the one-sided connections, there will be a void. “Learning to sit with [the void] comfortably is essential for lasting change.”
The primary reason the new emptiness is unsettling is not because it is bad or harmful; it is merely unfamiliar. If our lizard brain had any say in the matter, it would have us running back to the unhealthy relationships tout de suite! Our wise self, the self we trust, knows this is not the direction where our well-being will be nourished, our dharma will be found and our full potential realized.
In order to ensure we do not repeat the same unhealthy choices – choose the same type of personalities to date or befriend – we must not rush this time of more space to be in our own company. This is a time of exploration, to discover what peace feels like and to become acquainted with this new feeling that likely wasn’t very frequent in our previous relationship.
Whatever emerges during this time is gold to mine, and thus an opportunity to strengthen your self-trust should you choose to embrace responding rather than reacting to life. The old you may have reacted by immediately filling the void. The person who is honoring what they need will explore and not jump to decisions, but instead observe all the choices made available before rushing in any one direction.
Let the empty space be your playground, reminding yourself that you teach people how to treat you. Therefore, become skilled at treating yourself well, caring for your tender heart, setting healthy boundaries, and observing how others respond. What you observe will give you guidance on how to move forward. This waiting is also an act of self-trust, knowing that you will know because you are tuning into something much more profound than passing emotions; instead, this is what you need to feel nourished.
6. Understand that transformation is not betrayal
“You can honor people while still releasing your grip on relationships that have completed their purpose. You can be grateful for what they gave you without forcing them into a story they no longer fit. You can cherish the past without sacrificing your own evolution.”
As we all know, change is inevitable, whether it’s simply the passage of time on the calendar or our own evolution as human beings, recognizing our gifts, learning skills, and applying them to improve our lives. When we change, relationships change because we are part of the equation. Seems obvious, but sometimes we forget this fact. And depending upon the two people in the relationship, that relationship may evolve with the changing persons, or it may have run its course. “Evolution is not abandonment. What feels like leaving others behind is often simply the courage to stop abandoning yourself.”
A crucial component of a strong sense of self-trust is knowing when to take a step forward, even if every aspect of our life we have become accustomed to cannot move forward with us. A helpful determinant of whether the step forward will be life-enhancing is to acknowledge if you are stepping toward something or running away from something. Granted, there are always caveats to this, but overarchingly, if you are aching to step forward into something new, no matter how large or small a change, then it’s a pretty good indicator that you need to stay true to yourself.
Your transformation may inspire others, some you know and others you never will, to trust their own yearning to step into a transformation that requires change in their life, but whether it does or it doesn’t, you have one life, and it will end at some point. Being fulfilled, feeling at peace in what you are doing, what you are giving to the world while also honoring your needs is a priceless feeling that only arrives through courageous acts of self-love. And the foundation of this courage to take action stands on self-trust.
7. Knowing what self-trust’s true north is
“There is a fire in you that has been waiting to be unleashed. A power that has been buried under overthinking, self-doubt, guilt, and fear.”
The only direction self-trust will point us toward is who we truly are.
None of the feelings listed in the quote below will guide you to your true north. They will try to prevent you from advancing, they will try to keep you where you are, but the mere fact that they are arising within mean you haven’t found where you were meant to shine.
Overthinking, as was shared in last week’s Monday Motivational post, is a direct result of inaction. To quell overthinking, we need to muster up our courage and follow our curiosity – do something that aligns with where our curiosity is pointing us. Self-doubt stems from a variety of sources, but at its core lies a lack of self-knowledge. Regardless of anyone telling us who we are and what we can or cannot do, when we know ourselves, we can dismiss and ignore them when we know what they are saying is untrue about our true self. Even with unknowns, which will always be there, we step forward trusting our inner compass. Guilt arises from conditioning, whether it comes from institutions, society, culture, or personal values we have accepted. Any of them, when they are happy with us remaining as we are, small, limited, and available for others’ needs before valuing our own, impedes our ability to arrive at our true north. And fear simply stems from attempting to do something we’ve never done before. A completely natural response, but one that, if we trust it, reveals our sympathetic nervous system is guiding us, and we are not residing in our parasympathetic system, which is where we feel safe enough to stretch and grow.
It may feel uncomfortable at first to make decisions that bring you calm, but that is just a reflection of how normalized feeling agitated, on edge, and hyped on drama you had become. As we discussed in #5, the void will feel unfamiliar at first; that is normal. Give it time. Choose calm over chaos, and you are beginning to strengthen your self-trust muscle.
8. Choose what nourishes you
As you no longer need approval from others, you will begin to develop a stronger sense of self-trust. Guilt subsides as you “recognize the inherent worthiness of your needs and boundaries.”As you begin to remove the layers of protecting yourself, thus shrinking yourself, of presenting a false self in order to get along and not upset anyone, your true self begins to emerge. “Moving forward authentically means knowing your worth without needing external validation.” You do this by choosing what nourishes you.
The peace will begin to arrive because you are no longer a badminton birdie being batted about by others’ needs, emotions, and approval. You are grounded, strong and wise with self-trust as your companion.
9. The void is the way – don’t turn back
“The void is where most people turn back—not because they want to, but because losing your sense of self creates a dizziness unlike anything else. Without the familiar landmarks of your old self, you temporarily lose your way . . . but this resistance isn’t a sign you’re going the wrong way—it’s proof you’re getting close to a breakthrough.”
Similar to the relationships you have stepped away from, or put up boundaries to ensure your well-being, your old way of navigating the world wasn’t bad, it was necessary. It provided the protection you needed due to either circumstances you couldn’t change or didn’t know how to change. Now you do, now you can. Extend gratitude and trust that the void is a very good sign.
The void is full of possibilities now, possibilities that were never able to even knock on your door because you ‘didn’t have a door of welcome’ or wouldn’t have heard the knock if it happened due to the chaos you accepted as normal. Your self-trust muscle has taught you the value of self-nourishment, and that strength gives you the ability to express with authenticity who you are because you are no longer seeking validation externally.
It is not that you don’t care about people, you simply now care for yourself as much as you gave to others. You’ve brought your full and true self to the present and are no longer sitting back and watching life unfold. You are participating – you are saying yes, saying no thank you, you are appreciative, you are choosing, no longer accommodating to please. You see the humanity in others, noting those who see the humanity in you as well as others, and taking note of who you want to engage with more fully.
The void is full of all that is possible to discover your dharma, where you discover how to reside with an enduring feeling of inner peace, where you learn how to live a life of true contentment. “The empty space isn’t the end of your journey. It’s the clearing from which your authentic life begins to grow—no longer limited by who you once believed yourself to be.”
Self-trust is a learned skill, but it arrives from within each of us. It simply needs to be acknowledged. It has always wanted to help guide us along our life journey, leading us to fully enjoying life, savoring its offerings and finding peace in how we travel in the ways of what we do, but we can be forgiven for accepting other ways of living that have normalized stress, chaos, suffering, limiting our dreams. What we cannot do is linger for another moment in a life that drowns us, asks us to dwell in cynicism and distrust, and hold back our hearts and our kindness. Quite the opposite, we need to introduce ourselves to self-trust and strengthen it.
Once we understand how self-trust communicates (refer to #7 and #8, as well as this Motivational post), once we let go of what has been holding us back (#1, #3, #4, #6), once we become honest with ourselves (#2) we can know that the new frontier that is wide open is a beautiful place to arrive, not something to be feared.
SIMILAR POSTS/EPISODES YOU MIGHT ENJOY
episode #77: Found: The Missing Piece — Trust
episode #319: How to Trust, How to Be Trustworthy and How Understanding Both Will Transform Your Entire Life
Petit Plaisir
Raymond Blanc’s Simply Raymond: Kitchen Garden — Seasonal Recipes from My Place to Yours
~Find the printable recipe for Tomato Fondue here and tune in to the episode for step-by-step instructions on how to cook this simple, seasonally delicious recipe.
~Tomato Fondue
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